These past years, I have been showing people that I am strong. But I am not. And I’m tired.
It’s intriguing how a lot of people make finding someone to love their life goal. It’s as if being alone is a curse. Don’t get me wrong, I am not bitter or anything. There are actually two cups of coffee waiting for me, I just don’t have the urge to show up, yet. Maybe they should have offered me a beer date instead of coffee. Honestly, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. Maybe I became too used to being just with myself that the idea of someone wanting to be with me is suffocating.
A few years back, I also thought it would be lovely to be with someone, to have someone to share nonsense stuff with. As years go by, I no longer even think about it. It’s as if I am not missing anything. Am I missing anything?
Or maybe I’m just repressing feelings deep inside, very deep that even I have forgotten they exist.
Feeling a little murdery the previous days, like I just want to strangle someone and leave him/her dead on the cold floor. Kidding. Just trying to make some mess on my new favorite sketchbook. XD
I’ve been seeing things differently, literally. My left eye, at least. For almost a week now, my eye seems to make a straight solid line look like two blurred lines. I am not liking this. I really hope this is self-limited. If this continues for another week, I may have no choice but to visit an ophthalmologist.
Sometimes, we focus our lenses so far to capture the landscape and forget that people also make places interesting.
Matnog, Sorsogon | December 25, 2015
I received a sketchbook as a birthday present two weeks ago, which suddenly reminded me of my love for arts as much as my love for science. It has been a while since I last used a pencil to draw and not to shade answer sheets for exams. I should probably use the remaining pages of my old sketchbook before ruining this new one. Haha.My hands are rusted but whatever, it’s not the output, it’s the joy of doing it anyway. (Even abstract is called art.) And I’m trying to draw something different this time. Don’t judge 😉
“Ruffae, hindi na kita iha-hug kasi alam kong hindi ka hugger.”
After that statement, my classmate left and went hugging more people. Honestly, that kept me thinking. Am I really that detached to everyone? I totally disagree. Maybe there was one time when she hugged me, sensed that I felt uncomfortable and then she decided that I don’t like hugs. But that is so not true. I am a hugger, just for the right people. If you try to hug me, I won’t stop you; but it would certainly feel uncomfortable if you are not in my “To Hug List”. I believe that hugging is one of the most affectionate things in life. You have to earn it first.
It has been more than a year since I quit my job, left the world of fun and travelling and decided to enter medical school. Every now and then I get to ask myself where I would be right now had my decisions been different. Would I have finally reached the peak of Mt. Pulag or set foot on the hills of Batanes? What would my day job be? Would I have continued as a researcher or entered an entirely different field, like hospital dietetics or food service? Would I have stayed in Laguna or found a new place? Would I finally be in a romantic relationship? The questions are endless, but it will be left unanswered because I already chose a different path.
I am preparing for an exam two days from now, but there is something about nights like this that make me want to assess my life, my current situation. As of this moment, I am sitting in my room, with the clutter on top of my study table, wondering how far I have gone from my original plan. You see, I never really thought, ever, of entering medical school. I even remember myself telling a classmate back in college that becoming a doctor is just for the super intelligent ones. Moreover, my family doesn’t have the means to send me to another five years of schooling. But here I am, trying to remember when the turning point happened.
During my interview when I was applying for a medical school, I said I wanted to be a neurosurgeon because I don’t want other families losing a member just because no one is able to operate and save that member’s life. Maybe I was just bitter because that was how I lost my father. A little drama will always win the interviewers’ hearts, right. But If I am to answer that question honestly, I’d say selfishly that I want to become a doctor because it’s the only reason for me to attain self actualization.
It was in summer, 2009 when I encountered Maslow’s hierarchy of needs. Probably not the first time, but this time, it struck me deeply, especially the topmost level. How do I attain self-actualization? That moment, I thought the answer was to graduate on time, find a perfect job as a nutritionist dietitian, have a family and then grow old with the person I love. Cliche it may sound, but I was 16 then. Only four years later had I realized what I really wanted to be. I saw myself as somebody that I never even imagined of becoming. I wanted to be a doctor, and not just a doctor,but a kickass neurosurgeon. I’m still actually trying to remember why, of all possible options, I wanted to be a doctor. Maybe there really is no perfect answer, it just strikes you in the heart and that’s it.
That is why here I am, hidden behind these pile of notes, trying to study for my exams. I may not be travelling or hiking right now, but I know that this is the most adventurous trip I have been so far. And this is going to take for a while. Probably forever, since doctors never stop learning. But I am happy, because finally, I am nearing that summit of Mt. Maslow.